I’m doing good

Hey Family, friends and folks I’ve had the pleasure to Facebook. Last month was the 1 year anniversary of Dad’s transition. It does not seem like a year has gone by, so fresh still is the memory of the moment of his departure. Yes it was tough, really tough.


Minnie Me!

Two am Sunday morning on May 3rd 2015 I received word from the emergency room that my dad was coding.

Soon after conferring with my sister we both said our “see you laters and I love yous”. Right after we were told he was gone, I comforted my sister as best as I could. We are, our dad’s only’s,  his baby girl and his baby boy.
I did not realize how tough it could hit  until about 11:10am, 9 hours later that morning. I guess I had about 4 hours of sleep on this day.
Sunday morning I found myself where I normally do, which was in a church service.
As is routine, I entered in what usually turns into a great time.
I intended for it to be no different today.
But it was different, way different; more so than I could imagine.
Heaviness and helplessness, gradually and quickly seized my mind. Even physically, I felt as though I was engulfed in a heavily weighted straight jacket.
Yep, straight jacket…that was really heavy.
I pressed myself to do at that moment what I knew  I was supposed to do.
However this Sunday morning had quickly seemed to become the struggle of my life.
Numbing pain now seemed to tug and tear at me from no where and from everywhere, all at the same time.
I could not do it. I could not revert myself back to where I found a peaceful sobriety of ” Its over now and its OK “, of 9 hours before. I had resolved myself then to  a somber; ” dad has fought a good fight, he has finished his course. Dad you can stop hurting now, I will be so happy to see you later. Love you”.
I began to physically hurt. My chest, my face, my back. My legs, I could not feel.
I continued to press.
Through this, what had begin as a small private internal  conflict, suddenly swelled into an overwhelming public, no longer private,  uncontrollable staggered painful waling .
Pure unbridled emotion flooded out of me, nothing have I ever experienced in my adult life.
I  was lost inside myself.
Dad had fought and won several battles over the past 10 years.
So far removed from my thoughts that my father could actually die.
I knew on the inside; “dad  will pull through this one too! Like he always does”!
So my expectation was not realized as hoped, life happens…as do death.  Thanks for all your concerns and well wishes. Sis and I are adjusting without  father; as dad and friend. But overall…she is doing good and I’m doing good.

At this Moment

Hi Dad!

Not until this moment

The moment I heard my daughter say ” ahhh dad”

The time I saw my daughter smile back at me

The time I put a strawberry smoothie in her hand and she said ” this is good”

The time when I knew she was not happy, and I hugged her and told her it will be better next time

The times she shares her witty jokes with me(funny or not), and I laugh very gladly

Even the times when she wants to say no, when I offer her things that I want her to have(knee pads, healthier food,ect)

And the times that I root her on to do her very best in all that she does

At this time, I remember I have seen all these things before. They give me great joy, and delight me to no end, even to the point of glee

It is so very clear now, the love I feel for her

Is the love you have shared with me

Happy Fathers Day Dad!

I love that you are my dad and I love that God has given me an idea of how much you love me